Where there’s a Will, there’s a way.
Life is an immense journey. The cycles of the seasons, the lessons I’ve learned, the intricacies and interconnectedness of it all – it’s mind-boggling. I’m finding my experience in this lifetime as both devastating and immensely beautiful. The year 2017 has been the wildest of rides. So much has happened- massive waves of growth, love, connectedness, and yet overwhelming loss.
The day after Christmas, the being on this planet that I’ve felt the strongest connection to thus far, left his earth body.
William- a truly brilliant, introspective, hilarious, and grounded dude came into my circle a while back. We would casually talk on and off for years about the most random of things. His eloquence, humor, and wisdom drew me in like none other. This past summer things elevated to a deeper connection. At the time, I was working on repairing my heart from some tumultuous experiences and emotional manipulation. When William came into my world, he hugged my soul and soothed my slightly fragmented wings.
I remember listening to a Ram Das lecture in which he mentions how relationships and love ( amongst other things- yoga, meditation, etc) can be a vehicle towards immense, divine love. Well Will was one seriously snazzy vehicle. Our connection opened me up beyond compare. Seriously- I was radiating love out the wazoo. I LOVED EVERYONE. If it was socially appropriate, I would have been hugging and kissing random strangers on the street. I had never felt anything of that nature in my 31 years on Earth.
As things evolved, our relationship drifted once again to friendship. Fortunately, the universe connected us during his last days. There was nowhere else I wanted to be. If I wasn’t with him physically – mentally and emotionally I was there . Despite the lack of sleep and the incessant beeps of the ICU, holding his hand for hours upon hours was the only thing that mattered. I am grateful beyond words for that experience.
He is now immersed in divine love. His soul is integrating all that he has learned and all of the karmic cycles he has overcome.
Will isn’t just at peace, he is peace. He is one with everything.
I feel it.
I am happy that he is no longer suffering. Yet emotionally I’ve been flipping between feeling okay and wailing at the top of my lungs. Regrets and “shoulda coulda wouldas” have dominated my thoughts like thick polluted clouds. Did I tell him I cared for him enough? Was there anything more I could have done? If only things were different. If only we had more time. Self-deprecation has been in control of my emotional wheel and it’s one crazy driver.
Now that this amazing person has passed on, how do you function properly? Will was my reality checker, my anchor. What is real anymore? Did I brush my teeth today? Have I eaten anything? What day is it? I’ve found myself stuck in the past. Imagining good times- imagining he’s sitting next to me playing his guitar, that we’re talking about the deeper meaning of life, that he’s giving me an epic hug and his sweet energy and magic hands are calming my entire being. I think I hear my phone pinging – it’s a message from him. But I need to wake up- it’s not happening. It’s weird. Grief is weird. My stomach has been hurting for days. I’m not hungry (and I’m always hungry).
I’ve dealt with death a significant amount and it never gets easier. Shit is hard. The trials and tribulations of life don’t ease up. There are many lessons to learn and battles to fight. Yet, I know from the depths of my being that there is a way to get through the darkness.
There is a light.
I’ve been there before and I can find my way back. We can all find our way back. I know this.
We’re in the middle of this maze; a windy back road and we just have to keep on driving. We don’t know why things are the way they are – but we must keep on going.
Remember to breathe, for the sun will shine again and when those clouds part there will be immaculate beauty, love, and wonder.
We WILL all be together again. Where there’s a WILL, there’s a way.
Will’s thoughts on death & connection:
“Here’s what I think about seeing the ones we love again. We will see them again. And I think people have it backwards. We think that when we die we’ll be separated from the ones we love. That we’re leaving them behind. I think it’s the opposite. It’s in this place, in human form, that we are really separated from the ones we love. When we die I think we go back into whatever you want to call it, the universe, the ether, the astral plane, heaven… and we are not only together with the ones we love but we’re reconnected to all things.” – William Abbott
